dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
