last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
