Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
