Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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