I got chris browned last night
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
