next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
