I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
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