watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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