my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
