So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
