nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
