I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize