the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize