so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Randomize
