Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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