Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize