I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
