On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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