My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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