I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize