Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
