i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
