this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
