____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
