Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
