So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
