but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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