how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
