last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
