On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
one might say we're banned from that church
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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