I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
