There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
