im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
