We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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