be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
