cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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