I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
