just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
