Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
