Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
So squirting runs in the family.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Randomize
