i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
