4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
my phone needs a breathalizer
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
