If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I could make wine with my vomit
and i looked up. we had an audience...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
