i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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