And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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