He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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