she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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