I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
