I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
