I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize