I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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