I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
