If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
