well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
