I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
