Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
