This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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