Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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