I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
