If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
