I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
