my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Randomize
