Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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