Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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