By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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