I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I didn't notice because vodka
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
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