I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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