a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
