Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize