Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
40s are totally the cure
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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