i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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