My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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