You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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