note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize