Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
